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BorntoFall18's home
BorntoFall18's details
About me: I've been through some stuff but I don't cry no
more I've wiped the last tears from my eyes and
realized I'm just a little soldier in God's eyes.
Inspiration: whatever comes my way.
Country: us
Birthday: 1991
Interests: writing, reading, hanging with friends
Books I love: Harry Potter,Cut,Broken,The Game
Places I traveled to: here and there
Gender: Female
Joined on: 08/16/2006
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AngeldeathHello B.F.18! I hope all is well with you and that you are ok, I just wanted to check up on you and see how you were doing. Adam
Shoutbox entries
My Scars
06/20/2007
My scars have a story, a story for each and everyone. I hate the stories, they are not happy ones. The stories are full of pain and lonliness, agony and shame. My cuts started off small and they were not deep. But as the days went by they started to become gashs. I use to only cut on my left wrist, so I could wear wristband to cover them. That didn't work when I went to the group home. So I moved to my right leg. I was put in the mental hospital for seven months for cutting and over dosing on my meds. It sucked I got shots all the time for self-injurious behavior. I quit for eight months and six days. It was hard as hell, but I did it. The problem is now that I started back it's hard to stop again. I hate the scars I once loved. They take me back to a time I hate. A time worse than now. I started a new mood pill and only time will tell if it will work. I just wonder if I deserve happiness, and do I deserve a cure. laurenView/Comment
My scars have a story, a story for each and everyone. I hate the stories, they are not happy ones. The stories are full of pain and lonliness, agony and shame. My cuts started off small and they were not deep. But as the days went by they started to become gashs. I use to only cut on my left wrist, so I could wear wristband to cover them. That didn't work when I went to the group home. So I moved to my right leg. I was put in the mental hospital for seven months for cutting and over dosing on my meds. It sucked I got shots all the time for self-injurious behavior. I quit for eight months and six days. It was hard as hell, but I did it. The problem is now that I started back it's hard to stop again. I hate the scars I once loved. They take me back to a time I hate. A time worse than now. I started a new mood pill and only time will tell if it will work. I just wonder if I deserve happiness, and do I deserve a cure. laurenView/Comment
Again Today
06/12/2007
Well I held a razor again today.I wanted to use it so bad,I didn't though. I keep it just in case, you never know what tomorrow might bring so i'm prepared. I know that it is not the right way to handle things, but it's one of the only things that make me feel better.I don't know what it is about me bleeding that calms me, but it does. I don't understand it and the counselors don't either. They say the urges may never go away, that is a scary thought. I don't know how much longer I can fight it. I do know something that is I don't want to go back to the hospital. I'm sick of being drugged up. It doesn't take the urge away. Nothing has ever taken the urge away. I could be cutting and it still doesn't satisfy me totally. I never cut deep enough, or I never cut enough times. When will it be over? I mean i've had staples in both arms in my leg and I still wanted more. It's horrible to say this but one day I think I will go to deep and it will be to late.View/Comment
Well I held a razor again today.I wanted to use it so bad,I didn't though. I keep it just in case, you never know what tomorrow might bring so i'm prepared. I know that it is not the right way to handle things, but it's one of the only things that make me feel better.I don't know what it is about me bleeding that calms me, but it does. I don't understand it and the counselors don't either. They say the urges may never go away, that is a scary thought. I don't know how much longer I can fight it. I do know something that is I don't want to go back to the hospital. I'm sick of being drugged up. It doesn't take the urge away. Nothing has ever taken the urge away. I could be cutting and it still doesn't satisfy me totally. I never cut deep enough, or I never cut enough times. When will it be over? I mean i've had staples in both arms in my leg and I still wanted more. It's horrible to say this but one day I think I will go to deep and it will be to late.View/Comment
It's so Scary
06/11/2007
In a way I want to scream out what i'm doing.I sometimes just want to scream "" look what I do to myself do you see the pain i'm in, help me."" What help do I need is the question. I've been fighting this battle for three years now. The longest i've been without it is eight months and six days.I don't think i'm crazy I just think i'm in emotional pain. But sometimes I don't cut because I feel bad. Sometimes I'm numb and just want to feel something real. I wish I could explain how it feels to everyone but they still wouldn't understand.Sometimes I don't even understand. Part of me wants to stop the other half says it feels to good. I am the one who has to want to stop, they can't make me. They try believe me they try.I don't know what I want to do. I know it's sick, but for once i'm in control of something that has to do with my body. They ask if i'm ok and I lie over and over I tell them I am. When i'm not, I wish I could tell my mom how I feel inside. It's just so scary, it scares me most the time.View/Comment
In a way I want to scream out what i'm doing.I sometimes just want to scream "" look what I do to myself do you see the pain i'm in, help me."" What help do I need is the question. I've been fighting this battle for three years now. The longest i've been without it is eight months and six days.I don't think i'm crazy I just think i'm in emotional pain. But sometimes I don't cut because I feel bad. Sometimes I'm numb and just want to feel something real. I wish I could explain how it feels to everyone but they still wouldn't understand.Sometimes I don't even understand. Part of me wants to stop the other half says it feels to good. I am the one who has to want to stop, they can't make me. They try believe me they try.I don't know what I want to do. I know it's sick, but for once i'm in control of something that has to do with my body. They ask if i'm ok and I lie over and over I tell them I am. When i'm not, I wish I could tell my mom how I feel inside. It's just so scary, it scares me most the time.View/Comment
Misery
06/07/2007
I feel so sad most of the time. It's like I can't rid myself of this nightmare. The Meds don't work, the cutting well i'm trying to stop that. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I have no one to talk to. I scare most people because my thoughts and feelings. I say I feel like cutting and people go crazy. I ask for help, a support group for cutting and my mom just says she will think about it. It's so hard not doing something that makes you feel good. Cutting helped me not go crazy for so many years. I mean after my dad said he didn't believe me about my step mom's brother raping me I fell apart. I have tried so many things to rid myself of this misery. I have tried drugs, cutting, and killing myself countless times. All it ever got me was lock up in hospitals and meds. Well here I am 5 years later still messed up the same as I was before I got in the first hospital. True i'm not on drugs and i'm not cutting several times a day. But the point i'm still hurting. I haven't tried to kill myself since the night before Halloween so that's good. I haven't had staples since last year so that's good; but there is still the thought the fear that I will go back to that. I think about cutting and killing myself often but force myself not to act on it. I try to pray but I don't know what to say, it's like I have no words to express how I feel. It's like i'm scared to trust God since everyone else hurts me in the end. I don't know what to do i'm so confused.View/Comment
I feel so sad most of the time. It's like I can't rid myself of this nightmare. The Meds don't work, the cutting well i'm trying to stop that. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I have no one to talk to. I scare most people because my thoughts and feelings. I say I feel like cutting and people go crazy. I ask for help, a support group for cutting and my mom just says she will think about it. It's so hard not doing something that makes you feel good. Cutting helped me not go crazy for so many years. I mean after my dad said he didn't believe me about my step mom's brother raping me I fell apart. I have tried so many things to rid myself of this misery. I have tried drugs, cutting, and killing myself countless times. All it ever got me was lock up in hospitals and meds. Well here I am 5 years later still messed up the same as I was before I got in the first hospital. True i'm not on drugs and i'm not cutting several times a day. But the point i'm still hurting. I haven't tried to kill myself since the night before Halloween so that's good. I haven't had staples since last year so that's good; but there is still the thought the fear that I will go back to that. I think about cutting and killing myself often but force myself not to act on it. I try to pray but I don't know what to say, it's like I have no words to express how I feel. It's like i'm scared to trust God since everyone else hurts me in the end. I don't know what to do i'm so confused.View/Comment
Can't sleep again tonight
05/27/2007
It's night and i'm tired but I just can't sleep.My thoughts are nagging at me and I just can't close my eyes.Maybe i'm just scared of the dreams that haunt me.But during the day depression eats at me,and I have became cold and distant.I can't seem to get close to anyone.Though I feel alone every second of the day.I lose all interest of things and sit in my misery.Thinking about what could and should be.How if I had kept my mouth shut I might not be where I am today.The question is where would I be.Would I still have a dad and a little bro and sis?It's like I lost a part of me and I feel so empty inside.As if the rape didn't take enough already.I'm just so sick of the struggle i've been dealing with since I was six.I've had enough but when I want to give in I think of my sisters face.And it always brings me back again.I just know in my heart we will be together in the end. - laurenView/Comment
It's night and i'm tired but I just can't sleep.My thoughts are nagging at me and I just can't close my eyes.Maybe i'm just scared of the dreams that haunt me.But during the day depression eats at me,and I have became cold and distant.I can't seem to get close to anyone.Though I feel alone every second of the day.I lose all interest of things and sit in my misery.Thinking about what could and should be.How if I had kept my mouth shut I might not be where I am today.The question is where would I be.Would I still have a dad and a little bro and sis?It's like I lost a part of me and I feel so empty inside.As if the rape didn't take enough already.I'm just so sick of the struggle i've been dealing with since I was six.I've had enough but when I want to give in I think of my sisters face.And it always brings me back again.I just know in my heart we will be together in the end. - laurenView/Comment
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